The Dwarven Express (Post Office)

And of old it was not darksome, but full of light and splendour, as is still remembered in our songs.
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Khazad Elder
Points: 3 027 
Posts: 2112
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 3:32 pm
The Dwarven Express
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All your letters and packages will be delivered in 3 days or the stamps are on us!

The Dwarven Express has a series of outposts located in all corners of Khazad-dûm with sturdy young post-dwarves ready to carry your mail to any destination in our beautiful kingdom. Fast, cheap, and efficient, the Dwarven Express is the only way to go.
*New!* Thanks to the growth steroids that we have been feeding our badgers, you can now send letters to dwarves and friends abroard, on vacation, or in federal prison. The badgers may live significantly shorter lives, but they will deliver your mail faster and over greater distances!

*Above the front desk is tacked a list of rules that apply to the Dwarven Express:*
Please do not use the Dwarven Express to send explosives, poisons, or old fruitcakes. It makes life a real bother for the post-dwarves.
All races may use the Dwarven Express to send mail to dwarves/friends.
Only dwarves can receive mail at the Dwarven Express. Sorry, but post-dwarves are not made for long distance running. Natural sprinters, they are.
Be creative in your messages. Send bills, post cards, holiday and birthday greetings. Offer a get well wish, send circulars, or use the Dwarven Express to keep in touch.
Try to keep all post positive. If someone needs a firm reminder, then feel free, but make sure its not too offensive. After all, there are censors watching everything we write. And I mean everything.
The Dwarven Express is meant to be more fun then a barrel full of oliphaunts. Enjoy yourself.

*Another Notice is tacked just under the rules. It reads:*
Thanks to our team of legal experts, you may no longer sue the Dwarven Express for:
lost, stolen, or damaged mail
looted boxes or packages
gross incompetence or negligence
emotional abuse
poor service
opened and censored mail
whiplash


Thank you. We hope you enjoy your dealings with the Dwarven Express and express no complaints or dissatisfaction!
--Dedicated to the Memory of Frito Bandito and Narsilion--

High Lord of Imladris
Points: 5 208 
Posts: 2755
Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2020 7:53 am
DEAR DWARVES


ARE ORCS AND GOBLINS NOT SCARED OF YOU?
IS IT BECAUSE YOUR BEARD ISN'T FULL ENOUGH?


TRY OUR NEW MIRACLE HAIR THICKENING SERUM! GOOD FOR ALL DWARVES!
AVERAGE BEARD HAIR GROWTH TWO TIMES AS THICK AS WITHOUTH IT!*


Do you want to stay scantly bearded or terrify the goblins and orcs with your magnificent locks?

Send 100 Gold pieces to 4 Hollin Way in Bree



*Testing on Hair grown serum done on elves, their non-existent beard hair multiplied by two times the original amount.

Khazad Elder
Points: 3 027 
Posts: 2112
Joined: Wed Aug 05, 2020 3:32 pm
Dear Unknown Kin,
I find myself in a room full of very tall persons. The ale is good, but foreign too. Why is it when we leave for an adventure, filled with excitement and wanderlust, we soon become lonely for familiar smells and sounds and people. I did not stop on my trek to Gondor to maybe find a company kin in the great Halls of Khazad-dûm, and now I regret it. Yet I am hoping that someone will read this letter and join me (or correspond for the now) on a great adventure in the South-kingdom.

I am at the OLd Gate House.

Yours,
Afird Splitaxe

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