Lord of the Rings Fanatics Plaza

Galadriel: "The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember the 1978 Lord of the Rings animated production... It all began with the forging of the Great Rings. Although, technically, there were... like... Silmarils way before that. Way cooler than the rings, honestly... But you know what? Fine. It's fine. Celebrimor said 'hey, let's do rings now', I said, fine, we'll do rings. My life coach said I should accessorise more. Three were given to the Elves; immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. Seven, to the Dwarf Lords, who smell of farts. And nine, nine rings were gifted to the race of Men, who above all else desire nachos. But they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made. In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret, a super duper master ring. And into this ring he poured all his cruelty, his malice and his will to PWN all life. One ring to PWN them all. One by one, the free peoples of Middle Earth were PWNed by the power of the Ring. But there were some who resisted... In fact, a scrawny Numenorian kid sliced Sauron's fingers right off. I know. It's crazy. I've never so much as sliced an onion since. And, so, the kid, snatched the ring. But the ring of power has a will of its own. It betrayed him, to his death. And some things that should not have been forgotten, such as the 1978 Lord of the Rings animated production furr-kini that Boromir wore, were lost... History became legend. Legend became myth. And myth became a mockumentary..."




Pants of the day:


#1 (Again)


*Bilbo scribbles away on his desk in Bag End*

Bilbo: "There and Back Again. A Hobbit's Tale, by Bilbo Baggins... There! Done!"
Frodo: "Did it all really go down like that, Uncle Bilbo?"
Bilbo: "Why, of course, my boy!"
Frodo: "It's a great story, Uncle Bilbo!"
Bilbo: "Thank you, my boy!"
Frodo: But it could use some improvements..."
Bilbo: "Improvements?!"
Frodo: "Well, your dwarves are wimps, you know. They don't work as action heroes."
Bilbo: "Come again for old Bil'?"
Frodo: "'I've been thinking you could really use a few more action sequences."
Bilbo: "Action sequences? Like how?"
Frodo: "Why not go tumbling down the river in barrels, BUT... while ALSO being chased by orcs, an elven prince AND a red-headed secret-service commando elf who crosses all predefined inter-cultural barriers by falling in love with one of the dwarves?"
Bilbo: "What???"
Frodo: "And the dwarves know kung fu."
Bilbo: "Get out."

*Somewhere in the Shire*

Gandalf: *humming* "Down from the door where it began. And I must follow if I can."
Frodo: "You're late!"
Gandalf: "..."
Frodo: "..."
Gandalf: "Is this a do-over?"
Frodo: "How do you mean?"
Gandalf: "Well... there was another LOTR Backstage parody thread, back in the old plaza... Went as far as Helm's Deep, if I remember correctly."
Frodo: "Yeah, no. We're re-doing it. It's more like The Office, now."
Gandalf: "Subtler, you mean?"
Frodo: *winks at camera* "Hopefully."
Gandalf: "Please, don't Jim the camera..."
Frodo: "Yeah... Sorry..."
Gandalf: "And after all, a wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to."
Frodo: "Ending a diss in a preposition, willy nilly, like that? Is that what we're doing now?"
Gandalf: "Sod off."

*Sometime later, outside of Bag End*

Gandalf: *knocks*
Bilbo: "No thank you! We don't want any more visitors, well-wishers, distant relations, amazon deliveries or any more flyers for that god-awful pizza parlour!"
Gandalf: *picks up flyer* "The Green Dragon does pizza now?"
Bilbo: "Gandalf?!"
Gandalf: "Bilbo Baggins!"
Bilbo: *hugs* "My dear Gandalf!"
Gandalf: "Good to see you! One hundred and eleven years old — who would believe it?"
Bilbo: "Yes, my age is starting to sound like a fake phone number... now that I think of it, so must yours."
Gandalf: "Not so! If you dial my age this year, you get a roadside assistance firm in Chattanooga."
Bilbo: "Come in, come in! Tea? Perhaps something a little stronger?"
Gandalf: "Just tea, thank you."
Bilbo: "I was expecting you sometime last week! Not that it matters, you come and go as you please. Badass like you, always have done and always will. You caught me a bit unprepared, I'm afraid. We've only got cold chicken, pickle, cheese, raspberry jam, an apple tart, eggs, some god-awful pizza… Not much for afters, I'm afraid. Oh, no — we're all right! I've found some sponge-cake. Gandalf?"
Gandalf: "Just tea, thank you."
Bilbo: "Oh, right! You don't mind if I eat, do you?"
Gandalf: "Oh no, not at all. I'm just happy you're not eating butter like a popsicle on top of all that..."
Bilbo: "Haha! Not on a Wednesday, Gandalf! But, what the heck, you only live once..."
Gandalf: "How did you make it to one hundred and eleven again?"
Peter Jackson: *knocks on window*
Bilbo: *hisses* "I'm not at home!"
Peter Jackson: "Bilbo? Come on buddy, just one more movie!"
Bilbo: *whispering* "Won't bloody well leave me alone!"
Peter Jackson: "I know you're in there! I can hear you breathing!"
Bilbo: "Two would have been enough! Three was overkill! Go away!"
Peter Jackson: "I'll be back!"
Bilbo: "YOU ALWAYS ARE."
Gandalf: "Wow..."
Bilbo: "I want to see mountains again, mountains Gandalf! And then find somewhere quiet where I can hide from Peter Jackson. Oh, tea! Almost forgot..."
Gandalf: "So, you mean to go through with your plan, then."
Bilbo: *pours tea* "Yes, yes. It's all in hand. All the arrangements are made."
Gandalf: "Frodo suspects something. He raises his eyebrows at the camera every time somebody mentions you've been acting strange."
Bilbo: "'Course he does. He's a Baggins! Not some block-headed Bracegirdle from Hardbottle."
Gandalf: "Not some Buckbramble from Kegbottom!"
Bilbo: "Not some Cragfoot from Brownmarish!"
Gandalf: "Not some Applejackdaw from Merrygocrackle!"
Bilbo: "...Is that a real family?"
Gandalf: "..."
Bilbo: "..."
Gandalf: "Sorry, I just wanted to be a part of this."
Bilbo: "Hmmph."
Gandalf: "You'll tell him won't you?"
Bilbo: "That will spoil the big surprise! The point is to hold the greatest party the Shire has ever seen, waste a ridiculous amount of time and resources, get everyone's hopes up that this leads to something, and when they're nice and comfy pull off a disturbing disappearing act, traumatising all my family and loved ones who will never have the chance to come to terms with my sudden departure from their lives!"
Gandalf: "You're a bit of a sociopath, aren't you?"

Next time on LOTR Backstage;

Bilbo: "There I was, at the mercy of three monstrous trolls! And they were all arguing amongst themselves about how they were going to cook us, whether it be turned on a spit or whether they should sit on us one by one and squash us into jelly. They spent so much time arguing the wither-tos and why-fors, that the sun's first light cracked over the top of the trees — poof!"
Hobbit Toddler #1: *gasps*
Bilbo: "And turned them all to stone!"
Hobbit Toddler #2: "You don't do much in these adventures, do you?"
Bilbo: "..."
Frodo: "Hey kids, wanna hear my version? It's got literal rock giants!"
All Toddlers: "YAAAAY!"
Bilbo: "GO. AWAY."

Only on the Elven Broadcasting Network
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Pants of the day:





#2 (one seventy-secondth of a gross)


*Somewhere at Bilbo's birthday party*

Gandalf: "So, after they've been babies, how long do hobbits stay as toddlers?"
Boffin: "I don't know... Twelve years?"
Gandalf: "TWELVE YEARS?"

*Frodo approaches Merry and Pippin who are trying to steal fireworks*

Frodo: "Can you believe Bilbo?"
Pippin: "Uhhh... no."
Merry: "His life's story literally has a dragon in it."
Frodo: "He's so rude!"
Pippin: "Listen, Frodo, we're kind of busy here..."
Frodo: "You know it's my birthday, too? Nobody cares, of course..."
Merry: "It's true, I don't."
Frodo: "And I have good ideas! I have GREAT ideas..."
Pippin: "I'm sure you do, buddy."
Frodo: "You know I tried telling him how to improve his short and uneventful book and he ignored me..."
Peter Jackson: "We should talk."
Gandalf: "TWELVE?????!"

*Bilbo steps up to the Podium*

Hobbits: *cheer*
Bilbo: "My dear people! My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks, and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots..."
Gandalf: "These last ones MUST be made up, right?"
Proudfoot: " ‘ProudFEET!’ "
Gandalf: "Hup. Nope. Nevermind."
Bilbo: "Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today!"
Pippin: "Eleventy???"
Bilbo: "Eleventy-one years is too short a time to live among such excellent hobbits!"
Merry: "He keeps using that word. I don't think it means what he thinks it means."
Bilbo: "I don’t know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve!"
Hobbits: "..."
Frodo: "HAH!"
Gandalf: "Do not just pretend you got that. It's very uncharismatic..."
Bilbo: "Now, I regret to announce that... this is the END. I am going. I am leaving NOW. GOOD-BYE!"

*Bilbo vanishes*

Hobbits: *scandalised murmur*
Frodo: "No... wait! He didn't pay for the party!! YOU DID NOT PAY FOR THE PARTY!"
Gandalf: "I am a little light, too, my dear Frodo. You'll take care of it, right?"
Frodo: *drops to his knees* "NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOOOO!"
Gandalf: "Jeez... I just had a rootbeer."

Pants of the day:


#3

*Back at Bag End*

Bilbo: "You gotta admit; it was kind of funny."
Gandalf: "And yet, so few laughed."
Bilbo: "Much like your stand-up routine, right?"
Gandalf: *scowls* "It's not my fault most of my First Age material goes over everyone's heads!"
Bilbo: "I can't wait to get out of here! The open road! With nothing to worry about!"
Gandalf: "Excuse me, but what exactly did you ever have to worry about? You've been retired for sixty years!"
Bilbo: "Well, yes, but I haven't been away for a very long time, you know!"
Gandalf: "But that's just because you're lazy! You could have left anytime!"
Bilbo: "I couldn't! I worried about whatshisname!"
Gandalf: "Frodo."
Bilbo: "Yes, Frodo! You will keep an eye on Frodo, won't you?"
Gandalf: "Two eyes — I could never multitask in that department."
Bilbo: "Good, good!"
Gandalf: "What about this ring of yours, is that staying too?"
Bilbo: "Yes, yes. It's in an envelope over there on the mantelpiece..."
Gandalf: "..."
Bilbo: "No, wait, it's — here in my pocket... Heh, isn't that... isn't that odd though?"
Gandalf: "..."
Bilbo: "Yet, after all... why not? Why shouldn't I keep it? Now it comes to it, I don't feel like parting with it, its mine, I found it, it came to me! MINE!"
Gandalf: "Uhh... Huh."
Bilbo: "Well, if I'm angry, it's your fault! It's mine! My own, my precious..."
Gandalf: "I kinda feel bad now that I realise you've been gradually going insane and I didn't notice."
Bilbo: "Argh! What business is it of yours what I do with my own things!"
Gandalf: "I mean the signs were pretty obvious."
Bilbo: *puts up fists* "You — want it for yourself!"
Gandalf: "Bilbo Baggins!"


Gandalf: "I do not want your tacky gold jewellery! I am not trying to commit fashion crimes! I'm trying to help you."
Bilbo: *whimpers*
Gandalf: "All your long years we've been friends. Trust me as you once did, hmm? And lose the suspenders, they make you look like an old hipster."
Bilbo: "You're right Gandalf, the Ring must go to Frodo. He's young. With some horn rimmed glasses, he might pull it off!"
Gandalf: *mumbles* "Incorrigible..."
Bilbo: *picks up his stuff* "Yes, it is time."
Gandalf: *nods*
Bilbo: "I've thought up an ending for my book: And he lived happily ever after, to the end of his days, with no reboots whatsoever--for none were ever needed.'"
Gandalf: "And I'm sure they won't be my dear friend."
Bilbo: "Good bye, Gandalf."
Gandalf: "Good bye, dear Bilbo. Until our next meeting."

*Gandalf scratches his head and wanders around Bag End. He comes to a closet and opens it. Therein lie a dozen of fedoras, leather bracelets, a bow tie, a ukulele, and an prussian blue feather boa.*

Gandalf: "Riddles in the Dark..."

*Frodo enters*

Frodo: "Gandalf?"
Gandalf: "Hmm?"
Frodo: "He's gone hasn't he? He talked for so long about leaving. I didn't think he'd really do it. Where's that book of his? I mean to make some amendments."
Gandalf: *gets up* "He's gone to stay with the Elves. He's left you Bag End… along with all his possessions. This amazingly tacky ring is yours now. Put it somewhere out of sight. Please."
Frodo: "Where are you going?"
Gandalf: "There are some things that I must see to."
Frodo: "What things?"
Gandalf: "Don't ask so many questions, Frodo. It's very uncharismatic."
Frodo: "But you've only just arrived! I don't understand."
Gandalf: *goes out the door* "Neither do I."
Frodo: *yells out the window* "That doesn't make any sense!"

Omg I love that this is back