Dearest Mother,
It does my heart good to hear from you, it also does me good to hear that you’ve kicked out father once again. Perhaps he will be taken by one of the many roving bands of wild wargs that pick off stragglers. One can hope at least, however with Father’s luck he will return home with an entire pack in tow. I recall a time in my childhood when you kicked him out (and off a cliff) that he came home on the back of a giant sabertoothed cat. Reg and I were very excited by the prospect of having such a fearsome beast that you couldn’t say no. It would have been better to suffer the disappointments of a child and an idiot though, in retrospect. Father forgot to let the cat loose when a rainstorm hit at the cat ended up drowning. I miss fluffy sometimes. I wonder if he was the last of his kind. I rarely visit the biology department of the University but that is mostly due to the smell and the strange sounds that come from that building at night.
I will take your advice as it concerns teaching Reg anything. I truly thought I could teach him how to break from our father’s pestilent influence. I was so wrong. It seems that all Reg truly excels at, other than being a disgrace, is growing mushrooms. He’s developed a strange relationship with the mycelium of Mordor. If I were to guess, I would say it has something to do with the simple neural pathways they both share. Pray to the Void that those two never combine into anything. Society would be the least of our worries. Reg is a moron, but he does have potential. I thought I could shape that potential and build upon our family’s prowess, alas for my hubris.
Would that Mig were my brother instead! The goblin is much more fit to be a member of our family than Reg, and he is out of place within his own clan. He might be descended from royalty, but that line is stretched so thin it creates miscreants like Fleeg. Mig, though, is different. He has a brilliant mind for numbers and schemes. He and I play chess regularly, a vice we picked up at University that has never truly been sated. We know it’s a human game, and though you have always taught me that “nothing good can come from human things” I believe we can use this game to understand our foes and eventually out maneuver them, or at least find a way to come up with a superior, pure orkish game based on similar principles. Mig is working at the Necromancer’s Guild last we spoke. It might not be the vaunted obsidian halls of academia, but he has a finger on the pulse of all the clans and gangs of Mordor through that hub. Perhaps we ought join him and watch a match or two sometime?
You found a book on the Philosophy of Nothingness? I bow to your skills Mother, truly. I have searched the libraries night and day and found nothing. I even put in a request to search the archives of Minas Morgul. You must tell me your secrets!
I appreciate your assistance in the matter of the rhetorics professor. I am sure that, once he sees reason and the logic behind… early retirement, that I will be a shoe in for his position. There are so many things I believe I can teach the young orcs of tomorrow. We can be more than brutes like Reg and Father. Imagine a world were orkish philosophy has overtaken the vile elven stuff! The will to power!
I will visit you soon, I give you my word dear Mother. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than walking the halls of our estate once more, skulking through the stalagmite gardens until the light of a hunter’s moon or haunting the lofty towers of midnight. Lugburz might be the capital and the center of all politics in Mordor, but the Von Zautok Estate is the truest gem.
Your ever obedient son,
Arthûr
P.S. – I have heard rumor that Lugzug Death Axe is going to participate in something called a “Rap Battle” with the troll Derph in the Ashen Amphitheatre. I can only speculate what the nature of the battle will be, but perhaps it will be an event we can attend?
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@Tarawen
Angmar
Dol Amroth
Ithilien
Minas Tirith
Mordor
Umbar
