Kruzheld Zreng esq. of Zreng & Zorrow Lawyers, goblin Defence lawyer (he/him)
Arnyn -v- Ta'leus
The Case of the Imposter Mistaken Identity
Kruzheld smiled as
Arnyn’s response revealed just how ignorant to legal practice she was. “Oh, it isn’t a contract, my dear! It’s formal notice of my intent to pursue legal costs from you in the event of you losing the case, so that you cannot argue that you were unaware or ignorant of the risks of pursuing your case at a later date. You really should at least take the paper for your records; cases can hardly go through mitigation and negotiation if one party refuses even to receive documentation from the other, and failure to engage in these alternative dispute resolutions *could* make you look unreasonable in the eyes of the court. Some judges don’t like to have their time wasted on cases that could have been resolved outside the courtroom and honestly, in Mordor especially I prefer to treat litigation as a last resort. But it’s your funeral, I mean, case” he finished with another warm, crocodile smile.
Matters were proceeding swiftly on, and it appeared their case would be first in the list as
Búbosha called the court to session. He stood respectfully as
Lord Mouth entered wearing the honorific (and slightly itchy) wig and crossed to the judge’s desk. As he recognised the judge arrived
Kruzheld evaluated his tactics.
Lord Mouth liked a decent amount of monologuing, but they normally preferred to be the one doing the talking.
Kruzheld would have to endeavour to keep his arguments succinct and concise; it wasn’t his usual method. In the manner of many of the best worst lawyers he much preferred to inundate his opponents with so many convoluted phrases and sentences that they fell apart under the barrage and could not then remember up from down, let alone the nature of their plea in strong enough manner to hold it together in court.
As the proceedings looked set to move swiftly on to the significant topics of the case, his efforts were a little frustrated by
@Ta'leus Shieldsong’s apparent unwillingness to engage either the court or his legal representative in conversation. As
Arnyn was invited to take up a position in the accuser’s box and set out her case, he therefore had to hastily formulate the best defence he could with minimal information. “Your dishonour” he said, addressing the judge respectfully. “Apologies that my client has not responded directly to your addressing him; no disrespect is intended to the court, he is merely a little overwhelmed by proceedings and, er, a touch unwell.” He finished, tapping his own temple to indicate what he was implying. “I am Messr
Kruzheld Zreng, defendant counsel, and with the court’s permission I will present the Defence on behalf of Mr Ta'leus...” he hesitated as he realised he had not her garnered his client’s surname, and repeated with a confident air of finality “...Mr Ta’leus.”
With his client seemingly reluctant to volunteer information to his representative (not a major concern, it would assist in his later argument that the defendant lacked capacity if that became necessary to try and avoid punishment)
Krumheld swiftly formulated his tactics to protect his client’s interests. He stepped forward respectfully to indicate that he was ready to present his client’s Defence and waited for
Lord Mouth nod of permission that he could address the court (it really didn’t do to offend the judge at any time, and good manners cost less than bribes), launching first into his initial tactic of delay-and-confuse.
“Might I be initially permitted to turn the court’s attention to a preliminary technical issue regarding proper service of documents and presentation of case?” He said as he stepped forward and laid the plaintiff’s rejected costs budget on the desk beside the judge along with a brief “
Idiot’s Judge’s Guide to Law” so that
Lord Mouth might be properly equipped to follow the contents of his opening gambit.
He spoke loudly and confidently to the room at large, in a manner reminiscent of a compere presenting artists at a performance as much as submitting a defence in court, presuming in his arrogance that at least someone was keeping notes. “Initially, I would respectfully ask that it be noted on the court record that the plaintiff earlier refused proper service of documents presented to them by the defendant’s legal representative in compliance with Procedural Rules 45 Section II on Legal Costs (page four, your dishonour) and Practice Direction 45 3E on Costs Budgeting (page five, sir). In the event that the plaintiff attempts to dispute such costs at a later date, the defendant reserves the right to submit to the court that the plaintiff shall be debarred from presenting a counter-defence on the basis of
ignorantia legis neminem excusat and that in the absence of any substantial, legal dispute or objection laid out in a budget discussion report in compliance with Practice Direction 3E Part C 6a, (page seven, your dishonour) then the figures proposed within the defendant’s proposed budget shall be deemed agreed in principle pending outcome of the trial. Furthermore, the defendant objects to any legal costs pursued by the plaintiff against the defendant on the basis that no such notice of a claim has been given.” He glances across at
Hepzibah,
Llynrghllddyr and
Shagor and added in a quiet aside to the trio. “Sorry, chaps, looks like you might not be getting paid for this job either.” He said with a faux sympathetic shrug.
It was highly unlikely that anyone in the room would have even the foggiest idea what Procedural Rules or Practice Directions
Kruzheld referred to. It sounded like some kind of hellishly over-complicated series of rules and sub-rules designed to confuddle and bemuse the general populace so that any honourably pursued case could falter and fall apart over a minor misunderstanding or small failure to comply with a technicality. Probably it had been composed by some nefarious council of wizardly apprentices during Saruman’s more villainous years. But whatever it was he referred to,
Kruzheld was fairly fairly certain that thanks to his pre-prepared little handbook, an intelligent being such as
Lord Mouth would be able to conceive that he was implying
Arnyn should not be allowed to try and side-step any negative consequences of her case failing if she lost, and setting down the groundwork for his next argument that the case had been improperly conducted and presented and really, it would be in everyone’s best interests to just throw it out of court right now and save any more bother.
“Turning now to the case presented by the plaintiff” he said, with a sickly, patronising smile towards
Arnyn. “By her own admission the plaintiff has assaulted and abducted the defendant so as to bring him to court today, and coupled with her refusal to accept service of documents the defendant submits that the plaintiff has failed to consider any alternative means of conflict resolution and has instead insisted on presenting this trivial matter to court without any attempt to resolve these issues outside of litigation and with little to no disregard for the disturbance and detrimental effect it would have on court time and resources.” He gave an apologetic look to
Lord Mouth as though sympathising that they were not both currently playing eye-ball golf*. “The defendant would initially submit that that the matter is suitable for a preliminary recess to enable both parties to consider legal counsel on negotiations and attempt to resolve the dispute amicably.”
“In the event that the court finds that the claim has been submitted sufficiently in the circumstances and there is no need for a recess to allow an opportunity for the parties to attempt to negotiate an amicable solution, then the defendant denies each and every allegation in full and puts the claimant to prove their case, including but not limited to presentation of these alleged witnesses and their evidence. The defendant denies each and every allegation against them, specifically including but not limited to the submission that this is a case of the defendant intentionally or accidentally impersonating the plaintiff, and will alternatively aver that this is a case of mistaken identity and that the plaintiff has incorrectly pleaded her case against an innocent victim. The defendant reserves the right to apply to add the relevant market-place shopkeepers, innkeepers and Captain of the Citadel Guard into these proceedings as co-defendants and defendants to any subsequent counterclaim. Furthermore, the defendant reserves their right to amend their defence following submission of the plaintiff’s evidence. The defendant reserves the right to seek their costs of and incidental to these proceedings from the plaintiff in the event that their claim is wholly or partly defeated.”
He nodded in indication of completing his stance; that should sufficiently cover all the necessaries without over-labouring any points, and seated himself respectfully. He then waited to see what evidence the plaintiff
Arnyn was going to present, subduing a smile of satisfaction that the woman who appeared so ignorant to both Mordorian practices and the law of injustice seemed to be leading the case herself and paying little heed to her three-goblin counsel. He did so love litigants-in-persons. They were so very adorable in their self-righteous indignity, and more often than not, so very wrong.
*Eye-ball golf. A popular sport among Mordorian lawyers and judges alike. You cut out the eyeballs of a victim and then buried them alive under rocks shallow enough that they would not suffocate, while you used specially designed sticks called ‘clubs’ to try and knock the eyeballs around an open space and back into the eye-sockets, being one of the only parts of the face one left uncovered. Because of the preparation required to establish suitable ‘courses’ and delicate management of the cultivated ‘holes’, the sport was reserved for the elite. Rumour tells that the sport originated in a lost nation far to the West with something equally as gruesome involving decapitated head. Due to a keenness to preserve ‘holes’ for future games the tradition of decapitation had fallen out of favour in Mordor, but for some reason that
Kruzheld had never been able to figure out, it was still tradition to play the game without footwear and in bare feet.
OOC - (
I’m really sorry I forgot about this thread and didn’t realise it had progressed. If someone could kindly send me a notification when replying, I would be eternally grateful)
